For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes expressing regret when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a happy life, I’ve battled very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It annoys my loved ones and co-workers, and then I get frustrated when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety.
This over-apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to prepare notes to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through facing fears, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I revert to old habits.
I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still enjoy life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve read that counseling might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a important skill, but it must be used correctly. Too little or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.
A psychotherapist might explore where this habit comes from. Thoughts including, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once helped us become harmful in grown-up life.
In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to examine and embrace who you are.
Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a humanist therapist might be more helpful. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can grow from there.
Changing deep-seated habits is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a loop of frustration and worry.
Even thinking things through can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.
This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward improvement.
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